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divahome 48, Female, France - 8 entries

Feb 2011
10:17 AM CEST

Wow, though I am not sure if gratitude journal makes me happy, i am pretty sure it makes my regrets less conspicious. Well there are still moments when something all of a sudden reminds me of things that were but not any more, of pain, of loss, of my mistakes and I start wallowing in the mudhole of self pity, kind of unwilling to come out. But it occurs to me that for every regret there are million other moments which were better than they could have been. Thankfulness shines as self pity disappears..
The other day mindless browsing led me to a forum where I read a discussion between mothers who had lost their mothers in childhood.It is when they have children of their own , they realise their loss even more. I remember what one young mother said (in her words), I look at the children playing and prayed,� ' All I am asking you dear Lord is time precious time' . Her words kept ringing on my ears- time, precious time.
And then I read another story in a book of a young woman admitted with cancer who said with tears streaming down her face that she will do anything to just be able to go home and change one dirty nappy.
I feel guilty to even feel thankful at these stories. I just want to hold tight to everything that I have, love them and cherish them. Regrets disappear. God bless all of you.

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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Feb 2011
6:02 PM

home sweet home

today gonna stay at home. i hope the temperature would b cool. anyway going to watch a movie.. hope i get couple of interviews for any job

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JustKeepSmiling :) 33, Female, California, USA - 2 entries

Feb 2011
7:41 PM CDT

What do you say when you want a friend to feel better? The truth is no one believes a person when they say, "I know how you feel." How can anyone possibly understand. But I do. I went through pain and suffering. Maybe different circumstances, but the feelings are the same. For everyone on this Earth. So why are there still people out there who don't have compassion or empathy? Or at least some sympathy? We have all hurt in some way or another. Others hide it better than others but pain is pain. It hurts. It weighs down on you like a heavy brick. And each day you keep on smiling and lying to yourself more bricks get added every day until your stuck and can't go on anymore. That's why it's so important to be open with your friends. To vent! To let some of that poison out even if it means they are going to scream and cry in front of me, curse, throw things. It's better than to hide it and allow it to fester and grow into a monster that you can no longer control. I did that. I was stupid and 16. No wonder right? But I learned the hard way. Now, I am older and hopefully wiser. I wish people could understand the foolishness of such emotions like, hate and anger. How they don't help you at all and they only make your life harder and more miserable. Like Buddha said, I can't really quote it perfectly but it goes something like this: "Anger is like holding a hot coal in your hands with the intention of throwing it at the other person. But all you are doing is burning your own hand." You get it? I didn't. Not when I was 16 I didn't! I was sooo full and blinded by my anger and resentment against my mother and the abandonment I felt that I let it take me over. My entire life and youth for that matter. I became this emotional vampire, dark, alone, and depressed. Severely depressed. I blamed her for everything. I hated her. I wanted to see her to feel pain because I was suffering. Yup. Anger can make people do stupid things. That's why it doesn't make sense to me anymore why people would stick with it. For example, my parents had this nasty divorce. Did I mention it's been 2 years now...and of course they won't give up to anything meanwhile their blood sucking lawyers already took my college money. Yes, my life is complicated. But I looked at those two children that are my parents and bless them. I do. I say to myself, "Thank God that I learned from their terrible mistakes. That I am stronger now. That I learned." I go on with my day, seeing my mother and father, who believe me have horrible secrets and issues. They just won't admit it. From my alcoholic father, to my insecure mother who always finds the worst man to be with, (on purpose). It's sad truth be told. But I am so lucky to have my older sister. Sure, she can steal my clothes and ruin two fabulous pairs of shoes....and mess with my food that one time. Nevertheless, I love her. No matter what, I have her back and she has mine. In conclusion, no matter how messed up or complicated your life is, you need at least ONE person to be there and say, "I'm here for you. I love you. I think your hurting and angry and are saying this right now that later in life I know you will laugh at with me....and I see your hurt. But just know that you aren't crazy. Your not. Your a good person." Yes, everyone has the potential of being a good person. It's the higher road, and also the harder one. I just wish my friend can muster up the courage to really tell me whats on her mind and heart. Even if she tells someone else, I wouldn't care. I just want to see her better. Happy and well. Wether or not we are still friends when she does. When you care about a person that really doesn't matter. Just as long as they are happy.

Tags: depression, divorce, friends, parents, problems

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1 comment(s) - 11:49 PM - 01/29/2012

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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Feb 2011
7:14 PM

interview day

went early to the interview. it was quite ok place. but after i talked to them, they were fine with me and suddenly they said i had to stay at least 6 month in their program, and i cant leave before that, but unfortunately my visa will expire end of april. what to do.. Shit happens.. they said no. but God is with us. i have some hope.

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palakj 48, Female, Ohio, USA - 15 entries

Feb 2011
10:05 PM EDT

Lord lao tse

Create but don't possess, act but do not claim, protect but do not command that is the hidden true Virtue empty your thought let yourself be at peace

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charlax 71, Male, Arizona, USA - 744 entries

Feb 2011
10:04 AM

ici

worry for ewe

Tags: ici

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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Feb 2011
6:07 PM

realising brothers

i dont know about others but i feel that if a family has any dirty, that dirty should be kept inside only to them. not to spread it to outside, but my wife's sisters husband has leaked our family stuff to others. fucking idiot. he think that he is the fucking boss. i respected him because of his age and let him be the king, but it seems that he cant keep my respect, a brother should have manner to solve problem with using the brain rather than asking others help. if he cant solve it, he should ask other family members to help rather than asking others. what a idiot. anyway i realized one thing. no more him in my life or my family. i take decisions in my life. im not fucking scared to anyone. its my life im capable of taking any decision in my life. God will help me to find a proper job. I was so pissed about yesturday, thank god,, my nangi was there otherwise i would have shouting using filth and going to meet him and kik his noob ass. anyway thats past now.. decision taken. NO MORE of him again.. NO MORE...

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keonyama96 31, Female, Kansas, USA - 191 entries

Feb 2011
11:15 PM

Ugh...people!!!

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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Feb 2011
6:01 PM

feel a bit down

nothing much. feel bad about everything happening.. but never say never

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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Feb 2011
6:02 PM

office office

finally my daily journal mail came. was wondering y its late. anyway all the people at the office today. we are going only this 3 days, coz thursday my wife having her exams, so 4 straight days we gonna stay at home. anyway today a bit boring to do any site or anything. just finishing up the small small parts. anyway hope today will go quickly. i feel bad about chuti nangi about the incident and i think she is facing some issues her teenage years. poor her. anyway hope she will recover from that soon.

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